Friday, May 19, 2006

lacan follows me to blogland

All I wanted was to have a crafty blog. Truth is I am not a prolific knitter, crafter or idea producer. I sporadically get things done and even more sporadically come up with ideas worthy of being deemed "cool" or "cute". What I do a lot of is feel bad about myself for not doing enough (fill in the blanks): work around the house, craft projects, reading books about parenting, spending quality time with Tino etc. I am also a big mess and I'm not only talking about my surroundings (I will spare you a visual) but there are toys everywhere, jackets piled up high on chairs, Target bags half full with stuff that we purchased days and days ago. I am also a mess inside my head and for this I will spare you a mental picture. And then there's the move, the big impending move. I am a ball of emotions about that, I'm stressed, I'm happy, I'm scared to death, I'm excited. And the list of things that need to get done, the packing, the throwing away, the storing and the money that will have to be spent to get it all done. I am overwhelmed to say the least. And I feel lonely, utterly lonely. Yes, I have Alex and I couldn't ask for a more wonderful partner but it does take a village once there's a child in your life, doesn't it? And so the reality is, at this moment, I can't be one of them craft blogs, I can not show you a beautiful home full of hand made cleverness, and you won't be able to find wonderful hand made things here on a daily basis. Who I am right now is a 30 something still trying to figure out what the heck I want to be when I grow up, dealing as best I can with a 20 month old toddler, and trying to be brave through this period of big changes. And that is that.

Oh my sweetie I'm sad to see you're not feeling "good" ! You know you are human !! Don't be so hard with you ! Please keep smiling, take a deep breath, you'll see everything will be ok for you and then you'll have more time to make what you want !! I understand this might be full of stress but think about all these amazing moments that will arrive !! You don't have do be the "perfect blogger" just have to be you and only you :) We love you like that !! Enormous smooches from Belgium ! ps: and please please don't forget to give me your new address when you'll know it, ok ?!
I don't think anybody ever knows what they want to be when they grow up, no matter how grown up they actually get. I'm really tempted to send you pictures of my apartment. They will make you feel better about any mess you have accumulated. It happens. Deep breaths. In, out, in, out. See, don't you feel better. Just remember, your fellow knitters are here when you need us!!
Thank you for this post. Even though my circumstances are different..the same emotion, doubt, and lonliness seem to be ever present...and I know it all goes in phases...but please know you have blog fans out there cheering you on :)
This is such a hard thing, because all you see online is the perfect finished product, and even people's messes, when they're presented, are made 'artsy' somehow. I struggle with it, too, this demand for perfection, for continual production. It's hard! It feels bad. But as I read this entry, it hit so close to home--especially the bit about the Target bags with stuff in them; that's a particular habit of mine. :( The loneliness, too, is difficult--feeling like an outsider, not belonging (that's my experience, at least).

I hope you feel better soon.

And how long until you move? I want to send you a package. If it's soon, then can I have your new address?
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oops, sorry for hitting post twice. I'll delete that one now.
Mery, I miss seeing you and everyone else in the knitting group. I have been where you are now and like Holly, I am not sure what I want to be when i grow up and at my age I should know. And, you should see my dining room table and bedroom. Sometimes the effort to get things in order is toooooo much. Don't worry about it too much. Just pack what you want and send the rest to Goodwill. When are you moving? By the way, I have ordered yarn several times from Handpainted Yarn and it is always gorgeous. Colleen
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